sizing up the edge before looking down and tripping over
Tuesday, April 19th, 200512:15 ticks by with the usual fakery taped around my face. Makes you think what people mean when they say things they shouldn’t. You see, I’ve got too much to say– but removing the dark secret parts leaves nothing for conversation.
I am happily efficient at sounding like a simpleton. It gives people a positive experience and elevates their sense of self-esteem. For some reason, it doesn’t feel as awful as it’s supposed to– probably because i’ve been handed my fate and i don’t thrash wildly against it but just smile like an idiot and take what i can take.
I’ve been thinking about the act of giving and the art of giving in. They seem inseparable, like circus twins, biological freaks conjoined at the hip. I keep telling myself "I’m bigger than this. I’m better than this." I should just say it out loud– but talking to myself all the time makes me feel so goddamned lonely.
Right now, I’m cheering myself on with bunched up fried noodles as pom-poms. 12: 54.
The lunch hour passes by this way.
It’s OK.
Outside, the sun baked city contorts into a mirage.
Airconditioning is man’s greatest invention.
